insidebuzz

It's been fun.

2006-04-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

I have decided not to continue updating this site. Thank you for reading.

Thanks, Karyn

2006-03-26T23:22:00.000-08:00

Back to School

2006-03-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

$250.00

That's the amount of my deposit today for Comprehensive Technique, a class at one of the best acting studios in L.A.

Again, that is the amount of my deposit.

Worth it? We'll see March 25th.

One Year Later

2006-03-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

Sunday, March 13, 2005
Final Transmission from Indianapolis, Indiana

In a matter of hours, I will load up the Jeep Cherokee with the last of my possessions, and head West on 465 to I-70, in the direction of St. Louis. During that short first leg of my trip to Los Angeles, I will think of Mel, all the great friends I've made, and how mortified I was at my going away party Friday night. (Let's just say it involved a chair, one ripped shirt, some spanking and tweeking of the nips. I'm still sore.) I'm excited about this move, but I couldn't be more sad. I'm leaving behind some amazing friends, and a woman I'm still crazy about. This is tough. As for you Indy, it turns out I barely knew you. I hope we keep in touch.

Time for sleep. I have 2093.29 miles to cover.

Craven, out.

Fast forward to 2006.

A lot has changed since then. Then again, a lot hasn't. We're still at war. Bonds is still hitting the juice. I still miss Indy.

I'm happy with the ways things have gone since the move. I'm getting to know the city, I'm meeting new people, and I start taking classes on the 25th -- ironically, my birthday.

Life is good. I just wish certain people were here to share it with.

Tag. I'm it.

2006-03-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

I have California plates.

Somehow, driving around Los Angeles with expired Indiana plates didn't seem all that bright. I figured at some point, the Man would spot that blue "2-28" and yellow "06" and want to talk to me as a "person of interest."

A 2-hour visit to the Van Nuys DMV was in order.

By the way, why does that place smell like a gym? And how would I even know what that smells like?

At any rate, my car is now legal. Huzzah.

MySpace.. my lovely little space.. check it out...

2006-03-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

To add, or not to add?

That is the question.

Actually, a request.

A request denied is considered rude.

Impolite.

To approve could be betrayal.

For one, a welcome.

For another, an invitation to anger.

An awkward situation created by someone else,

For which I will have to answer.

Thank you, Tom, for inventing this problem.

I wish you many senseless bulletins.

Goodnight, and good luck.

2006-03-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

I'm barely awake. Hoping to gain enough consciousness for a morning run. Still weary from some strange dream involving the Colts vs. Patriots and the Burger King guy.

Imagine my disbelief when my first dose of news for the day is the arrest of Yanni.

Did he really smack his girlfriend around? Or is he telling the truth, that she kicked him and hurt his finger? More importantly, will Yanni still be able to make beautiful music with an injured digit? Oh, I hope so. I hope so.

What day is this?

2006-03-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

Has it been almost a year already?

Hard to believe, but this week in 2005, I was packing things up, giving things away, and having one going-away party after another. Not to mention arguing with Goodwill over whether or not my crap was good enough to give away. Seems like yesterday. And then, it doesn't.

It hit me today that I'm still not settled in. I got a California smog check today: the first step on my way to a fancy new license plate that says "I belong here."

or

"I drive like an ass, so I really belong here."

Next up: AAA and the DMV. Should be F-U-N.

I also went through a ton of paperwork tonight, to get ready to do taxes. Why do we save such stupid things? My Indiana voter I.D. Bills from an old cellphone company. My lease from AMLI at Riverbend Apartments...

Better keep that. Never know when I'm going to get a hankering to check out the old floorplan again.

The craziest find is the moving list that I apparently thought I needed. Extremely necessary items such as:

flashlight
batteries
rain jacket
blanket
pocket knife
garbage bags
toilet paper

What am I? A contestant on Survivor? Was I planning on camping along the way, or had I imbibed too much alcohol during the making of said list? What's the pocket knife for, hunting road kill?

And why did I take a picture of my car? To prove that it was with me?

I am such a moron.

And the Academy Award goes to...

2006-03-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

Three 6 Mafia?

Now that's entertainment.

Hee Haw

2006-03-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

I went over to Greg's to watch the UNC-Duke game last night. Just a few guys, having a few beers, with a few pizzas, watching some basketball. Duke Sucks.

What I didn't expect, was to wind up, hours later, at the Cowboy Palace Saloon in West Hills. This place ain't just country - it's country-western. I mean, we're talking so old school, that the sign out front says it's a Honky Tonk. I wasn't aware that term was still in use, but, when in Rome. Nothing like watching old folks two-step to the house band's country rendition of AC/DC's All Night Long.

Where am I?

Hell, it's already 3pm. Gotta get ready for an Oscar party. Guess I should shower, or something.

5 Reasons to hate Texas

2006-03-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

1. It's too big
2. Bush
3. The Dallas Cowboys
4. B.S. speeding ticket in Midland-Odessa
5. San Antonio

Normally, I wouldn't hate on a city I've never visited, let alone, know anything about. But San Antonio is starting to irk me. They are that one friend that we all have that seems like a good guy, until he tries to sleep with your girlfriend when you're out of town.

We first saw their "goodwill" after Hurricane Katrina, when they welcomed the New Orleans Saints with open arms. Permanently.

Or, so they thought.

Now, they want the Florida Marlins. Granted, I hate the Marlins, as does every fan from the Tampa Bay area. I revel in the idea of their relocation to anywhere outside the state of Florida. I would love to see the fish move to Vegas, so I could go watch the Mets beat up on their sorry asses.

But, I digress.

This is about the city of San Antonio, Texas, and why they suck.

Get a load of this...

2006-03-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

I'm at work earlier today, pretending to be busy, minding my own business. I think to myself, "I wonder what MySpace is doing?" So, I check.

A message from a friend.

Not just any friend. One that I actually know. It's Mysti. Again. And she's lost her marbles:

Dear Mr. Burns,

It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my copyrighted work entitled "Original MySpace Message" in the preparation of a work derived therefrom. I have reserved all rights in the Work, first published in February of 2006, and have registered copyright therein. Your work entitled "Called Out" is essentially identical to the Work and clearly used the Work as its basis.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use the Work as the basis for "Called out" nor to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies, of same, I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Work, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to me, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by March 3, 2006 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall take further action against you.

Seriously. I'll do's it.

Chop it,

Mysti

I guess it's safe to say that this new re-posting of one of her messages is in direct violation of her cease and desist. But, really, she had to know it was coming. Rather, she expected it. Just like you cried horsepucky when CBS sued Stern, after hearing - for months on the air - his future plans. Mysti has known all along that this posting would take place.

Fair? Maybe not. But, it is my right as an American to blog crap like this for all the world and the NSA to read. This is war. These are challenging times for freedom and democracy. I will not cut and run. I will not abandon faith and strategory. I will root her out, and bring her to justice. This is the will of free nations - my nation. And I am the King.

Stumbling sober into adulthood

2006-02-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

Today is Fat Tuesday - or rather, was Fat Tuesday. Years past, that meant gathering up the entourage and heading to some bar to drink, collect cheap beads, and look at boobs. And to celebrate something called Mardi Gras.

As I get older, I find myself thinking, "well, it is a school night, and I could always go out on the weekend." See, I've rationalized to myself that I should get to bed early, so I can get up and go for a run. You know, because I'm not getting any younger.

Was I ever getting any younger? And when did running become a priority over boobs? I've been on Bourbon Street. Three times. I have seen the promised land. I have seen many a boob. How and when did I lose my way?

These are questions of science that plague Man.

Goodbye, Mr. Furley

2006-02-26T12:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the memories. Say hello to Jack Tripper for us, in that Regal Beagle in the sky.

Called out

2006-02-23T19:22:00.000-08:00

Seems as if I have committed the ultimate blogger foul: The Double-Post. I have left it unaltered for your amusement, and for your sympathy at the state of my own stupidity.

Yes, I could sit here and tell you how it's Blogger's fault, and swear up and down that it didn't look like that last night. But, really, who gives a shit? This is a stupid blog that no one reads. Except for me. On occasion. And you, when you're bored. Sucker.

As for the "friend" who called me out, here is the exact MySpace transcript of how it all went down:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mysti
Date: Feb 23, 2006 4:50 PM

It's really special of you to post today's blog twice. Those of us who didn't get it the first time thank you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:29 PM

I did? LOL I'm an idiot.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mysti
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:32 PM

I'm glad you said it and I didn't.

Though, I guess I did, in a round-a-bout, slightly-to-the-left-of-discreet way.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:38 PM

I see how it is. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mysti
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:40 PM

Are you sure? I think it would be amusing to see you angry. I've never heard you raise your voice.

Go ahead. Get angry.

I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU TO DO'S IT.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:45 PM

I will end you. I am blogging all of this.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mysti
Date: Feb 23, 2006 5:47 PM

Don't you push me, Burns. I have more blogs than you! I have the blogging advantage!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Feb 23, 2006 7:04 PM

That's it. You're being re-posted.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mysti
Date: Feb 23, 2006 7:08 PM

As Kid Rock has clearly pointed out this week, such a re-posting, as you call it, would violate trademark laws and privacy issues.

I WILL sue you for all 5 cents that you're worth.

Hey, Steinbrenner... "shut it up."

2006-02-22T22:16:00.001-08:00

Remember how he popped off after Ozzie Guillen made comments regarding A-Rod's choice of team for the World Baseball Classic? Well, now George has predicted that his New York Yankees will win the World Series this year.

Funny, I seem to recall them losing 11 of 19 last year... to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Not to mention the fact that his team isn't even the best team in New York anymore.

Yankees suck.

Hey, Steinbrenner... "shut it up."

2006-02-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

Save Love Monkey!

2006-02-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

Sign here!

One-armed desk chair

2006-02-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

It sits there at the curb, waiting. Maybe for a new owner, a new lease on life. Maybe for death.

Maybe it will join other desk chairs. Chairs of every style, function, and color. Each with his - or her - own handicap. Missing an arm. A leg. A caster. A rip in the fabric from a stitch in time.

This chair has had a good run, logging many ass-hours in some loving home or office. Or maybe not. Perhaps its 300lb. owner didn't treat it that well to begin with. Maybe the chair never quite measured up to some hefty standards. Thus, the missing arm; the sidewalk exile.

Will the chair reach some other level? A chair afterlife? No one knows for sure. If it does, and there are others, oh the stories they will tell. The things we did to them, in them, on them, around them.

We often wonder what would be said of us if walls could talk. I think it's the chairs we have to worry about.

Now, where did I park my car?

2006-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

Margaritas, beer, and Jack Daniels should never been consumed in one evening. At least not by the same person, without eating dinner. But, these things happen when you're on the way home from work and you get a call from your brother, slurring something about drinking at Ernie's Taco House since 2PM. The same brother, who hours later, winds up on the phone in a closet on top of his own dirty laundry. In L.A., we call this "Friday night."

The sound of shattering

2006-02-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

I sit at the light at Fulton and Magnolia, watching life unfold in slow-motion. I don't know who is at fault - maybe they're both distracted by something else. An e-mail, or a phone call they never expected to get. Or never wanted to get. Two separate worlds unaware of each, colliding in one horrible moment, inches in front me. I laugh with God, as I thank him for being spared, while musing together about the irony of my own lunchtime trip to the car wash. I'm trying to sort things out. But, all I can do is sit here.. brakes on, blinker on.. thinking. Why am I always the guy before the guy? Is it that I'm not good enough? Or did she realize that I am, and settle for the next one to come along and ask? Why would someone who never settles, start now?

Better question...

Would I be sitting here at the light, blinker flashing, eye welling up, if I had asked her in the first place?

I'm eternally thankful for those that have come back into my life. And those who never left. It's an unexpected hand when you can't seem to find your footing.

Still, it hurts to breathe today.

Valentine's Eve

2006-02-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I am the Airport Bitch. You know, the guy who drops off and picks up for everyone and his brother?

Friday night: Drop off Claire, LAX
Monday morning: Drop off Heather, Van Nuys
Monday midday: Pick up Claire, Van Nuys
Wednesday midday: Pick up Chris, Burbank

Up until a year ago, I only knew one of those people, and for that one, I can blame my parents.

With Valentine's Day rearing its head again tomorrow, I pause for reflection. It's odd, really.. the many stages of Valentitis...

STAGE ONE: New Relationship. You count the minutes until the next time you see them, talk to them, smell them. You surprise them with reservations at the most romantic spot in town. Sex is a given. Several times. Several places.

STAGE TWO: Advanced Relationship. You're not nearly as nervous about screwing this one up, because you're comfortable. You're both content with dinner at home and a romantic comedy. Sex is likely. As long as there's foreplay.

STAGE THREE: Mature Relationship. You have to buy candy, flowers, and something shiny because you're still in the doghouse for screwing up last year. You have Chinese delivered, because "restaurants are crazy on Valentine's Day." Sex is possible. As long as there's wine, porn, and talk of Angelina Jolie.

STAGE FOUR: No Relationship. Get drunk and order pizza. Sex is a one-man show.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Ribs. I had ribs for dinner. That's why I'm doing this.

2006-02-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Today was perfect. Sunshine and 85 degrees. Beats the 2 feet of snow they got back East. Even my Dad and brother said it was in the 30s today... in Florida. Wacky. So, to rub it in, I threw on shorts and a T-shirt and headed for Griffith Park. I hiked close to 3 hours today, so I know I'll feel it tomorrow. Capped it all off with BBQ and beer over at Greg and Dave's. Perfect day. Bode Miller only wishes he was this perfect.

Scandal!

2006-02-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

Here it is... the shocking photo of Britney Spears and her baby fleeing the paparazzi!

Death to Denmark!!! Death to the Enemy!!! Buckle up for safety!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's with Today, today?

2006-02-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

Mysti has decided to call me out for not blogging crap since Friday. According to my records, she hasn't blogged crap since Thursday. And that, was about some gay cowboy movie. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Saturday I hiked for a few hours along the Sunset Ridge Trail in Altadena. Good leg workout, as it's a decent incline with plenty of switchbacks and lots of loose rock. I lost it twice. Felt good to get dirty again - without the awkward cuddling.

Saturday night a group of us headed to Vanguard. It was empty at 10pm. It was packed at 10:15. The girls spent the night bitching about the unfair female-to-male ratio. I spent the night getting my embarrassing white boy freak on. The DJ was insane. Hip hop, dance... even busted out Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder. Or was I just dreaming that? Reminded me of times in Tallahassee, spent at places like Clyde's, Metropolis, Brothers, Fat Tuesday, Echo... Some of those places don't even exist anymore. Not that I would remember where they were anyway.

I swore I wouldn't drink anything at Sunday's Super Bowl party. OK. One beer. Just to balance myself out. Maybe two. Oh, wait... the game sucks, the halftime show sucks, and the commercials suck. Yeah.. let's get drunk and head to Yankee Doodle's.

Monday, we sleep.

Finally got to the doctor today, to find out why I'm dying. Monkeypox? Malaria? Cooties? Nope. Just your run-of-the-mill Santa Ana-induced sinus infection. And, I got drugs out of the deal. Only fair, considering the $3 I had to pay to valet my car. AT THE HOSPITAL.

I love L.A.

Fire it up

2006-02-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

I'm taking it easy tonight. I'm supposed to go to Vanguard in Hollywood tomorrow night after my day hike. Then, on Sunday, a Super Bowl party. Possibly Fox and Hounds again on Monday. So, tonight, we relax.

Lately I've had a lot on my mind, besides what acting class to take, and the impending Holy War facing Earth. I've been thinking about Detroit, a place I've never been, but one with which I have always had an odd fascination. It's old. It's full of history. Most of it is burned out and abandoned. I dig that. I'm really into architecture, especially when it comes to old city centers of major American cities. Hey, you have your thing; I've got mine.

There is a growing trend of urban exploration sweeping the country. Daring fools who slip under cover of night to penetrate the most forbidden places, armed with a flashlight, a camera, and a huge set of balls. Awesome.

I've been thinking more about Detroit than usual this week because of Super Bowl XL. I just stumbled about detroitblog, and I love it. You should too. It's an account of life in Detroit, as seen through the eyes of a Detroiter.. Detroit-en.... Detroitonian.... whatever. Someone from Detroit.

"It's great to be back in Studio City tonight!"

2006-02-02T01:18:00.000-08:00

Just got back from Fox and Hounds. They had live music tonight.

Ever feel like you just walked into a garage band rehearsal?

Awkward. Stings the nostrils.

Recap

2006-01-31T21:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick summary of tonight's State of the Union speech/debate/spin session:

President: Blah, blah, blah.. stay the course.

Republicans: Yeah, what he said.

Democrats: Whatever.

Justice

2006-01-31T20:48:00.000-08:00

"Any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people. People bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."

Congratulations to everyone behind the scenes of Crash. Six Academy Award nominations for a film that looked to be all but left out in the cold. Will it be able to climb the Mountain? We'll find out March 5th.

I wish I knew how to quit blogging you.

Suck it, Paris

2006-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

Nominations for the Razzies are in. Props to the nominating committee on this one, with all the crap movies that have been coming out. Paris Hilton has finally gotten recognized for what she really is: overexposed. She snagged herself two nominations, worst supporting actress for "House of Wax" and most tiresome tabloid target.

Semitism & Semantics

2006-01-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

I try to keep up with what's going on in the world. You know, big stories, like Brokeback Mountain getting shut out at the SAG Awards, what the Tampa Bay Devil Rays will be called if they change their name, and the age-old favorite, Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Found this snippet from CNN amusing:

"The European Union -- like the United States and Israel -- lists Hamas as a terrorist organization. The group has carried out numerous terrorist attacks that have killed hundreds of people. Its charter denies Israel's right to exist and calls for its destruction."

If you deny that something exists, how can you call for its destruction?

Amateurs.

Happy New Year... again

2006-01-29T23:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a party to ring in the Chinese New Year. Year 4703 is the Year of the Dog.

The celebration is similiar to that of New Year's Eve that most of us know. There is drinking. A lot of it. But there is also a lot of spicy food. I'm not sure what any of it was or what it was called, but, I tried it all. And man, do these people gamble. At one point, there were 3 packed tables, each with a different game. It felt like Vegas... because they all kept taking my money.

Anyway, "Fu" you in the New Year. (Fu means luck.)

Congratulations, Bode Miller

2006-01-28T00:23:00.000-08:00

I could see calling out Barry Bonds, I mean, who hasn't? But Lance Armstrong? Has your drunk, skiing ass lost your mind? You just joined an elite club of athletes who couldn't keep their yap shut. Apparently, you never listened to your mother.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

You're lucky. You're only getting roasted on TV and radio. Had my brother or I done that, we'd be sitting under the kitchen counter with a fresh bar of Dial lodged between our molars.

Better win Uncle Sam some shiny new hardware in Torino, or say hi to John Rocker on the way down.

By the way, why is the flag upside down in your picture?

Jackass.

I have GV

2006-01-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

There are many excuses we use as to why we don't do things. Too tired. Too broke. Too far out of her league. But the one slackness I have perfected as an art, more than any other slackness in my life: Gym Avoidance (which I like to call Gymvoidance or GV). It's not a term to be taken lightly, as it holds a firm grip on millions of Americans every day. It's not a phobia - it doesn't mean you're afraid of the gym, or what may happen when you go there. GV is the lack of motivation to walk out the door and go at all.

"I won't find parking."

"I don't have the energy."

"My favorite shorts aren't clean."

It's not funny. It's a serious affliction that takes root early in your childhood, and follows you to the day you wake up on the couch, watching Wheel of Fortune, thinking, "Shit... I'm fat. I should make nachos."

I had a bad outbreak of GV today. In fact, I wasn't even planning on going to the gym. I had planned on getting up early to go for a nice run. I got up at 6:30, had a cup of coffee, and hopped online to wake up. There it was. A post from Mysti about K-Fed's new song. I was hooked. Not on Cletus, but the site. I must have spent an hour watching random videos from random idiots on YouTube. Thank you, Mysti, for worsening my fragile inactive condition.

Cool site though. Even if Mr. Spears is getting pub. What a dipshit.

Wayne a minute...

2006-01-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

If you, like me, dig the new show Love Monkey, you already know that singing sensation Wayne is played by newcomer Teddy Geiger. Looks like my slacker blogger/Kato Kaelin obsessor/one-time co-worker with a strange otter fetish/lifetime friend Mysti has herself a lil' interview. She likes Wayne - er - Teddy, in a very unnatural, illegal way. But it's probably a phoner, so no need to panic.

And by the way, Mysti, posting a blog with nothing but linkage does not count. You are merely clogging up the Internets with endless clutter, of which, we already have quite enough. Thank you.

Much love.

Stays in Mexico

2006-01-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

So, I went to Tijuana this weekend, and somehow, I felt like I was 14 years late to the party. The drinking age there is 18, which meant that we were surrounded by children. Children who couldn't hold their liquor, or hold up their pants. Very amusing.

Not amusing was how bad the drinks were. That's what we get for paying a cover where all drinks are included free. I'm not even sure how our group got in the first bar... Apparently, it has an 18-21 year-old only age limit. But, we did get to show the kids some dance moves with the help of Daddy Yankee's Gasolina. Yes, we were 'those old people.'

Spent Sunday driving around Mexico and hanging out in Puerto Nuevo near Rosarito. Lobster, beer, and NFL playoff football helped to correct the tequila imbalance from the night before. Then, we spent several hours getting lost and asking for directions to the border, which - scary enough - is way too easy to get across.

The weekend was great, and I got to cross something else of my list. Plus, none of us were mugged or arrested, which is always a nice bonus.

Last call

2006-01-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

Went to dinner with some friends in Pasadena last night, which was going well, until we wound up in the bar. Four of the guys there went to school at Arizona.

Guy #1: Yeah, but I was on the 5-year plan.

Me: Me too... Here's to the 5-year plan!

(laughter)

Guy #2: Where did you go to school?

Me: Florida State

All: What happened to your football team?

The funniest moments came later. After people started taking off, only 4 of us remained. Two guys and two girls. Two single women, visibly intoxicated, enter stage right.

Drunk Girl #1: How old are you guys?

Guy #1: I'm 31.

Drunk Girl #2: What about you?

Me: 32.

Drunk Girl #1: Wow! On my God!!

Me: Is that bad?

Drunk Girl #2: No! Not at all! We were just wondering if they were any good guys our age left in this town. So what's your name?

Gotta hand it to them. The ladies had balls.

Transamerica

2006-01-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

Felicity Huffman did a great job of convincing me that she was a man trying to be a woman. But, I could have done without seeing her junk during the potty break on the side of the road.

Love Monkey? I Do.

2006-01-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

Just caught the new CBS show Love Monkey starring Tom Cavanagh... This is a great show! It's revolves around the single life of a record rep, which, in the radio biz, we sometimes call "record weasels." These are the guys or girls that take the radio station's Program Director or Music Director - or both - out on the town for dinner, drinks, and usually, a few lapdances. (In most cases, from a professional dancer, not the record rep. Although, some of those guys do get a little dazed and confused when they start hitting the sauce). All in the name of getting some play. Airplay for their crappy record, that is.

I have to admit, I never really got into Ed, but Cavanagh is hilarious in this. And the writing is great. By the way, how hot is Ivana Milicevic?

Damn, son. Add another "protected event" in the Dish PVR.

I love technology.

I went to Supercuts, and all I got was hair on my lousy T-shirt

2006-01-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

I got butchered after work today. I haven't had my hair cut this short in a long time. I would take a picture and show you. But, either you've seen it look this bad before, or, you don't know me, and you don't really care. Come to think of it, neither do I. It's just less shampoo I have to use.

Got some new books in the mail today from Amazon. It's the first time I've ordered something from them that has actually been processed and delivered. Cool. I bought Judy Kerr's Acting is Everything: An Actor's Guidebook for a Successful Career in Los Angeles, and How to Get Arrested by Michael J. Wallach.

I started reading Arrested today, which is only 98 pages long with a font big enough for 4-year-olds to read. It's great, though. It follows Dick and Jane, two actors who leave New York to find work in L.A. Jane is a real go-getter as soon as she hits the ground, while Dick is a lazy, beer-drinking slacker. I wonder which I will turn out to be? I'm only on page 49... For some reason, I couldn't stop laughing when I got to the end of the chapter:

"Jane wants to hear more about managers and they decide to have coffee in the commissary. This makes Dick very happy."

I am such a child.

Golden

2006-01-17T00:06:00.000-08:00

Golden Globes announced tonight - er - I guess, yesterday. Bareback Mountain won something, I think. Had a few drinks. I am still being razzed about not seeing it. But, I did find a shorter, alternate version on iFilm:

CLICK HERE TO WATCH IT.

That is good stuff. I mean, who doesn't like horses, ya know?

Here's an interesting observation: The girls at the party kept talking about actors who they thought were gay. Suddenly, I realized that every successful, handsome male actor in Hollywood is perceived as being gay. Why is that? Then I thought: which would be worse? For women to think I was handsome and gay? Or women to think I was ugly and straight? I guess I don't really have a choice either way. I'm straight, and I look how I look. Like Michelob... some days are better than others. Especially when I haven't had a haircut in a while.

??????

I'm not even sure I'm making any sense. Don't drink and blog, kids. Especially after an awards show.

In the wings

2006-01-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

Nervous.
Excited.
Suspect.
Moving again.
Not from here...
Moving There.

I am not pregnant. I am not drunk.
I am rehearsing for war.
A series of battles I may win or lose,
With an army of myself.
It's coming. I don't know when.
I'm waiting for cue. Waiting for me.

There is The List.
The things unwritten.
They loom. They mock.
They bait.
Waiting to eat me alive -
They won't.

I am ready,
Whether I'm Ready or not.
I will face Them and grin
With pragmatic abandon.
I can't be broken.
Except by myself.

Except by myself.

Things not to do when job hunting....

2006-01-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

I know people like to put their resumes online, but, c'mon... this is ridiculous.

It's who you know

2006-01-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

I spend all day on computers. Typing. Cutting and pasting. Staring off into them as if I could see right into the vast depths of an uncertain future. Come to think of it... that's what I do at night, too. But, tonight was different. Tonight I sat down to do what I always say I'm going to sit down to do: NETWORK.

(I typed 'network' into the Webster search engine in Firefox so that I could include something witty about its definition. I got: "a system of lines or channels resembling a network." Thanks, Webster. You are a moron. But, I'm sure you had many leather-bound books, and that makes you kind of a big deal.)

In all, I sent out about 15 industry-related e-mails. Pretty much a New Year's 'whatup?' to some peeps. I feel decent about it. Although, according to my list of 101 things in 1001 days, I still need to make at least 10 new contacts. Baby steps, kid.

Baby steps.

I will end you, John Mayer

2006-01-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

I think I finally have my guitar tuned. It's been a long time since I've played any musical instrument, so my ear is a little rusty. But, It's starting to come back to me. Reading music is starting to look familiar. It should, since I did it for so many years. I got some good practice in on my fingering, although I doubt my neighbors wanna hear me butcher Skip to My Lou.

Actually, they probably don't want to hear Skip to My Lou at all.

But, they will. For better or for worse. I can already tell my fingertips are getting sore. Eventually, they will get callouses. The ladies love callouses. Ya heard?

I hate Internet Explorer

2006-01-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

I just spent all this time trying to redesign this site, and it looks pretty cool in Firefox. But, of course, it looks like ass in IE. Go figure. If you haven't tried Firefox yet, I just switched, and I'm sold on it. Download it here.

Anyway, I'm trying to learn CSS (Cascading Style Sheets), which is supposedly the hot new thing in web design. I don't know... I'm just some guy with a computer who is still up at 3 in the morning and who knows just enough to be dangerous.

What a nerd. How did I not get beat up more?

Whammy

2006-01-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

Your attention, please. The bandwagon has reached its final destination. For your safety, please exit the wagon in a slow, orderly fashion. Another bandwagon will arrive shortly. Thank you.

We belong

2006-01-03T23:38:00.000-08:00

One of the great bowl games in college football history ended in triple overtime tonight.

Florida State lost the Orange Bowl. But we won the future.

Enough

2006-01-03T00:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone else tired of the Rose Bowl hype? Jesus.

"It's going to be the biggest game in bowl history."

"These are the two greatest teams to ever face each other on the gridiron."

"This game is the final frontier in which we will witness a monumental rift in the sports-time contiunum."

Shut up already. You 'experts' and 'analysts' at ESPN, ABC, Fox, etc. are causing me great consternation. Whatever that means. The neverending sports babble and giddy prognostication makes me want to throw my TV out of a third floor window. But, I can't. It's too heavy. And we only have one floor.

Bottom line is... SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

We've known for weeks that USC was going to play Texas for the title. I don't need to be reminded during every other pregame, halftime, postgame, primetime, commercial, or news break. I don't need you to tell me how good the Trojans are and how many games in a row they've won.

34.

I don't need to be reminded how Vince Young is the star of Texas and how many games it's been since they lost.

19.

I don't find it fascinating when you match up the 2005 Trojans with, say, the 1979 Crimson Tide. WTF???? Are you that desperate for material? Can't you just do another piece on the great dynasties of USC and Texas and tell us about their legendary coaches?

John McKay. Darrell Royal.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least there were some decent games today. By the way, what's up with them surprising that chick and flying her boyfriend in from Iraq to propose on live TV? That has a 50-50 chance of going well. Lucky for them, she said yes.

Morons.

(This Nokia moment of bitching has been brought to you by Toyota, and made possible by Tostitos, Doritos, Cheetos, and Dr. Pepper. Please, consume responsibly.)

The L.A River lives

2006-01-02T12:19:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of Rainfest here in sunny SoCal. Is this what winter is like here? I had to go to work briefly this morning, and half of the intersections were nearly impassable. I decided to get groceries on the way home. Apparently, the best time to go shopping is during a monsoon, because most sensible people stay home. It's so bad here, I passed 2 Radio Shack guys playing with a remote-controlled hovercraft in the parking lot. I'm just surprised I haven't seen anyone on a raft yet. So, yet another day wasted indoors.

Oh, who I am kidding - I'd be home watching the bowl games anyway.

By the way... what the hell was former FSU quarterback Chris Rix doing as a sideline reporter at the Cotton Bowl? Guess he wasn't as good a quarterback as he thought.

2006

2005-12-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

My first NYE on the West Coast. I'm about to head out to a party, but I've already been celebrating for a couple of hours with friends and family across the time zones. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails. With each one, I feel more and more like I'm missing out on something. Some party somewhere else that I should be attending. From drunk friends in Indianapolis, to my grandmother ringing the bell in St. Petersburg, to my brother on the road to Orlando... I wish each and every one of them the best for the New Year.

Same for you, whoever and wherever you are.

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T15:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a hectic week since I got back from Christmas in Florida. It was great to spend time with my family. In fact, my Christmas present from my parents was just delivered today...

Isn't she beautiful? I will call her Lita. Because I can.

It never rains in Southern California. Today in L.A., it is raining ass. So much for my planned day hike. So here I sit, reflecting on the year that was. Odd, considering that last year I was watching the snow fall from my 3rd floor apartment in Indianapolis. This year: rain, Los Angeles.

There is a lot I could do today. I could start reading Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Book Two which I picked up yesterday. I could play with Lita. I could polish off my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days that I plan to accomplish. I could go to the gym. I could shower. But, then, why end 2005 any different than how it began?

For you, Coach

2005-12-22T23:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight you are in our thoughts and prayers. There is no greater tragedy in life than to lose a child. Although you may never find answers as to why, know that you will find peace. Because today, your family is many, and we all share the burden of this loss.

------

James Dungy, the 18-year-old son of Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy, was found dead in a Tampa-area apartment on Thursday:

St. Petersburg Times

4 days 'til the fat man

2005-12-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming, and I have yet to buy one present. If I finished my shopping tomorrow, it would still be a record.

I'm sitting here listening to Father Christmas by the Kinks. It doesn't get me in the Christmas mood. It doesn't make me want to run out and play in the fake California snow. It makes me want to kick back a few peppermint martinis and call East Coast friends at random.. late.

Here's a weird question: at what point do you start saying to everyone "well, if I don't talk to you before then, have a Merry Christmas.."??? Does this go into effect a week prior? 12 days? What's the rule on that? Why don't we do that for other holidays? "Hey, Fritz, if I don't talk to you before then, have a Great Cinco de Mayo, and a Happy Arbor Day!"

Hmm.

Now that I think about it, those peppermint martinis do sound pretty tasty.

Hi, W.

2005-12-20T02:20:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd say hello before I turn in for the night. I know you're pretty busy, being the President and all. But I wanted to throw in my 2 cents anyway.

I think it's pretty crummy that you're spying on us while ignoring our civil liberties as Americans. But, if you think it keeps us safer from outside threats, go right ahead.

You no doubt heard my conversation with T-Mobile earlier. I meant to pay my bill on time, but you how it is. I spaced. As you could tell from listening, I was still very polite to the nice lady on the phone, and I hope that keeps me in good standing with the government.

You probably also know that I am currently playing Five For Fighting on iTunes. Do you like them? What are some of your favorite bands?

You can probably see me too, can't you? I know I'm bumming around... I promise I'll try to get a haircut sometime this week. I want to look my very best so that I won't be suspected of terrorism. Don't let the T-shirt and jeans fool you - it's actually pretty cold outside. But I have my space heater set on 3. That's right... you probably knew that, too.

Please say hi to Dick and Rummy for me. Merry Christmas! Oops... I mean, "Happy Holidays!"

Your faithful servant,

Jason

P.S. - Whatever happened with all that Katrina business? That was crazy!

Just listening...

2005-12-20T02:02:00.000-08:00

I can't get James Blunt's You're Beautiful out of my head, so I'm playing it. Over and over.

Lyrics:

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Beer and Loathing in Las Vegas

2005-12-19T00:26:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the Radio Music Awards, or rather, the Lovefest leading up to tonight's show. It's a chance for musicians, actors, record reps, and radio personalities to get together and show each other how cool they think they are. It was also a chance for me to catch up with one of my favorite peeps, Mysti, have a lot of alcohol, and make fun of all the aforementioned "individuals."

It's pretty amusing, really. Especially our radio brethren. You could pick them out of a crowd - wearing the hip, trendy clothes of yesteryear and posturing themselves among the artists with that quasi-celebrity swagger. It's fun to watch some kid from Kalamazoo or Poughkeepsie fall all over himself to impress some other kid from some other station in some other market. I drove to Vegas for this? I could have easily found people suffering from Lookatme Syndrome right here in Hollywood.

Still... free drinks and hanging out with an old friend? More than worth the drive.

Get off the phone

2005-12-15T23:29:00.000-08:00

"To tell the truth, whenever I'm here, I can't wait to leave. Too sprawled-out. Disconnected... 17 million people.. this was a country, it would be the fifth biggest economy in the world. But nobody knows each other. Too impersonal."

- Collateral (2004)

In Los Angeles, people are talking. Talking on their cell phones. Blackberry. Sidekick. In the parking lot. On the sidewalk. In the checkout line. In your way. Spanish. English. Russian. Godknowswhat. They're talking, and not looking. Texting, and not caring. They are in your way, slowing you down. And they never even know it. You hate them, and want to run. Far from this place. Far from the noise.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Wait... that's mine.

Shit.

Go, little space heater

2005-12-14T23:52:00.000-08:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. You keep me warm at night, without making a sound
2. You never steal the covers
3. You're feet aren't cold
4. I don't have to talk to you if I'm not in the mood
5. You never yell at me when I hit "snooze"

Now, if only I could make out with you without getting electrocuted.......

Thursday's forecast:

Indianapolis.....38
Los Angeles......69

New blog

2005-12-14T02:05:00.000-08:00

Came across this minutes ago, as I wind down from a very long day at work: Badminton Cheese.

I like her style of writing, and I think it's one of those rare blogs where there is some actual genuine thought going on. Yes, the rumors are true... sincere bloggers do exist. This might be one of them. She's entertaining, and makes me want to read. A little. Funny how she felt like a cabbage patch doll. This is how I felt today:

Early

2005-12-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

I got up early today, to see what it's like for those who work out in the morning. I found out that it does take about 45-60 minutes to really wake up.... and I'm drinking a gallon of coffee. What's that? Oh, did I actually work out? Ha ha ha ha ha... don't be silly. I was just seeing what it might be like. But I did get some new music. Hit The Floor by Twista.... now THAT'S the jam. As for the morning workout, that's coming. Soon. For now, I'm just practing. Going through the motions. Tomorrow I will practice getting dressed for it. Maybe. I don't want to push it.

Happy Tuesday.

I moved

2005-12-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

I got off the couch today. That's hard to do during football season. Went to Griffith Park and up to Mt. Hollywood to catch the sunset. I guess I'm a romantic, which feels pretty pathetic when you're single. Lots of couples holding hands and smiling. I made sure to spit on one.

Random 5 conversations overheard while hiking:

1. The difference between the old Star Wars and the new Star Wars
2. Are you sure you're taking the right dosage?
3. The benefits of being a parent
4. Something in Spanish
5. Where did we park?

L.A. Riot Watch 2005

2005-12-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

Just sitting here in my jammies, laughing at the fact that CBS cut away to the Bengals game because the Colts have pretty much thumped Jacksonville (sorry, Lexi). The Bucs win a big one at Carolina, too. Great day for football! I can now go hiking with my mind at ease that all is right in the world of sports.

I feel uneasy though, with this whole Tookie Williams mess. He's the co-founder of the infamous Crips gang here in Los Angeles, and he's about to be executed for murder. I haven't really been following the case until CNN reported that L.A. officials were worried about possible riots reminiscent of 1992. Great. As if enough doesn't go on in this city already. But, the more I find out about Tookie Williams, the more I hope they grant him clemency. I don't believe in the death penalty. Crime demands punishment, and no crime is worse than taking life. But, the death penalty is no different. If Tookie Williams is indeed guilty of the crimes for which he has been convicted, he will have his judgment.

There is also the other half of the story. Tookie has been making it his purpose to convince kids not to join gangs in the first place. Isn't the justice system meant to make an example of those who break the law? The best example we could make to today's youth is to spare Williams' life, and allow him to continue with his message. Kids will see that crime comes with a price, and that it is always better to take the high road.

Make an example of Tookie Williams. Keep him alive, and keep him writing.

ACC... easy as 1-2-3

2005-12-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

Spontaneous flight from Los Angeles to Jacksonville:

$285.79

Witnessing obnoxious Hokies lament the fall
of Virgina Tech at the hands of Florida State:

Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.

GO 'NOLES!

Someone's out to lunch

2005-11-29T23:27:00.000-08:00

Just saw this top story on CNN:

"The White House held out the prospect Tuesday that U.S. troop levels in Iraq could be reduced soon, but President Bush insisted he would not withdraw U.S. forces 'without having achieved victory.' With the U.S. death toll in Iraq at 2,110, Bush said he would not let those troops 'die in vain' by withdrawing before a stable, democratic Iraq emerges. In recent weeks opinion polls have shown falling support for Bush and the war, and there has been growing talk of developing a timetable for withdrawing."

Seems like I....

wait a minute..

getting a flashback........

ahhhhhh yes....

And there it is.

I be illin'

2005-11-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

Sick, again. I started feeling it Sunday, and it has gone downhill from there. I feel like I'm typing in slow motion. I'm hitting the Zicam, so hopefully it won't last too long. For now, all I want to do is sleep. ZZZZZZ

Next Blog

2005-11-28T00:41:00.000-08:00

This guy sounds entertaining. He's a Georgia fan, and you know I love them Dawgs. When they're playing Florida.

Check out Martians Attacking Indianapolis. The name made me giggle, and therefore, click.

I think I just wasted 4 days

2005-11-28T00:25:00.000-08:00

In 4 days, I could have:

1. Worked out
2. Gone to San Francisco
3. Hiked
4. Written at least 30 pages of script
5. Read a book
6. Learn to mix a new drink
7. Volunteered
8. Fixed my bike
9. Washed my car
10. Gotten a haircut

..and much, much more. Instead, I:

1. Watched football
2. Hung curtains

Hey... you celebrate Thanksgiving your way, I'll celebrate it mine.

Picture perfect

2005-11-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

My parents on their recent visit to Malibu.

Pathetic, yet mildly amusing

2005-11-26T19:46:00.000-08:00

First, I am blindsided with a humiliating Florida State loss at the hands of the gators... now, this: My neighbor - let's call her Moo Moo - knocks on my door to see if I'm OK. She noticed that my car hadn't moved since Wednesday.

Wednesday.

I am such a loser. But, think of all the gas I saved this weekend.

Bon Voyage

2005-11-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

Christina, one of my first new friends in L.A. and a charter member of the Desperate Sunday Club, is leaving for a year to do a show on a cruise ship as it sails around the world. So, today we had a send-off breakfast down the street at Vivian's. She loves the banana pancakes, and they pretty much are the bomb. It's sad to see her go, but exciting at the same time. She will be missed. Especially during Christmas in July.

Black Friday

2005-11-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

It's a term used by retailers to describe the one day of the year where they make money... off intelligent consumers like you and me. It's also known as The Day After Thanksgiving, or Shopping Day for Idiots and Assholes. Tell me, do they show up at Walmart at 4am because these specials will only last until 6? Or, is it because the store will run out of everything by the end of the day?

I understand. If Walmart runs out of stuff, we're screwed. They will never get more in. And no one else will have what we need either. It's a major crisis. One that necessitates tramplings, beatdowns, and robbery at gunpoint. I wonder if all the Rite Aids are out of Christmas lights... Will Ralph's have any eggnog left? Shit. I better get up at 3 - I must go shopping before it's all gone.

Excuse the mess

2005-11-25T04:15:00.000-08:00

It's time to pull out the Christmas decorations, so I start moving crap around. Guess I just got tired at looking at my own web site. Go back to eating your Thanksgiving leftovers.

We gots us a smart one

2005-11-21T00:12:00.000-08:00

Garrett W. Johnson has been named as Florida State's first Rhodes Scholar in over 30 years. Way to go, G-money. Go treat yourself to a Foot Locker shopping spree.

In other news... Bucs are 7-3 and Colts are 10-0! Great weekend!

Relax, people.

2005-11-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

Indian tennis star Sania Mirza has angered Muslims because she advocates safe sex. Premarital sex is a huge sin in Islam. Fine. But now crowds are burning this girl in effigy. Wow.. what a huge relief to know that we have solved all of the world's biggest problems to concentrate on comments from a 19-year-old tennis player.

Look, the girl is 19. She's a teenager. Like it or not, teenagers have sex. They drink. They do drugs. They download stuff illegally. But, go ahead.. burn the girl in effigy. That'll learn her.

Morons Over Miami

2005-11-16T23:59:00.000-08:00

How 'bout them Miami Hurricanes? An expensive private university education now gets you your own rap song! Proper grammar and common sense not included.

Listen to the stupidity of the "7th Floor Crew" here.

WARNING: AUDIO IS EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE AND UNINTELLIGENT. MIAMI SUCKS.

Family reunion

2005-11-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

My parents just flew back to Florida today. They've been in town since last Thursday. I think they had a pretty good time, aside from the crazy traffic we subjected them to.

They visited, in no particular order: Venice Beach, Rodeo Drive, The Getty Center, La Brea Tar Pits, Griffith Observatory, Runyan Canyon, the Hollywood Sign, Malibu, the Sony Pictures Studio Tour, the Fox & Hounds Pub, Bob's Big Boy, Fox Studios, Carneys, Pinks, the NoHo Diner, Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Westwood Cemetery, the Gene Autry Museum, Third Street Promenade, the Iliad Bookshop, Grauman's Chinese Theater, Melrose, and a bunch of other crap squeezed in between. The also got to meet not one, but TWO of our bitchy neighbors - Moo Moo and Crazy Wife #2.

We had some fun. I miss them already. And with Chris gone through Thanksgiving, I'm on my own. I plan to sleep. A lot.

Happy Birthday, Chris!

2005-11-02T01:55:00.000-08:00

You are 31. An age that is insignificant, irrelevant, irreversible. Enjoy!

Drinks at Residuals tonight. Maybe Fox & Hounds, too.

Why am I still awake?

2005-11-02T01:47:00.000-08:00

I should have crashed hours ago. Halloween night was spent at the big freak show in Hollywood. Nothing like seeing drag queens, Willa Wonka, FEMA vacationers, Michael Jackson, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Oprah all in the same place at the same time. I think they were just costumes, but I could be wrong. I'm probably awake because I've had a couple. (Have you tried the new Grolsch Amber Ale? Yummy.) Maybe I'm still awake because my world is spinning out of control. Again.

Here's to not being miserable again tomorrow. Hopefully.

Stop me if you've already heard this one...

2005-10-31T00:13:00.000-08:00

A monk, a traffic light, and Shoeless Joe Jackson walk into a bar...

Way to go, gators

2005-10-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

In your ongoing quest for Ugliest Team in America, you have just scored an extra point. What's amazing, is not that you scored.. it's the way you scored. Some teams will introduce a new logo, or new colors. Maybe a new uniform altogether. But, no. You're Florida's 3rd-rate football program.

"Hey guys.. let's add an orange sleeve!"

"Orange sleeves?"

"No, just one orange sleeve."

"Oh, yeah.. that would be swell!"

Swell it is. Unless you're just flipping through Saturday's games and, at a glance, you think every gator player on the field has a left shoulder injury, wrapped in orange gauze.

gators. You're brilliant.

Spam

2005-10-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to All of You...

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your
chain letters over the past 12 months.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in t he microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!!

Christmas has come early

2005-10-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Here's proof that Santa is for real: September 29, 2007.

Happy Hollyween

2005-10-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I made it through the week. There was the premiere of The White Countess in Beverly Hills, complete with a full-blown reception at the Four Seasons. I recommend the salmon.

Jeff Goldblum's band was keeping it hot at 424. He's actually a pretty friendly guy when you meet him.

Gwen Stefani and the Black Eyed Peas went nuts at the Hollywood Bowl. Awesome show. Greatest line overheard from a pack of 16-yr-old girls:

Girl 1: "We're, like, in the nosebleed section!"

Girl 2: "Like, can you really get a nosebleed?"

By the way, that Fergie chick from BEP can really shake her ass. Mad skills.

Last night was our Trailer Trash Halloween party. The house looked hysterical. We had a huge rug on the wall of dogs playing poker, as well as your various racing posters and beer decor. Pork rinds, beef jerky, and candy corn were served, with cans of Budweiser and Pabst Blue Ribbon kept on ice - in the cooler, which served as a chair. Everyone dressed to unimpress. We had 6 hours of Redneck Heaven blaring through iTunes.

A Random Ten:

Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns 'N Roses
The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels
Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford
Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue
The House is Rockin' - Stevie Ray Vaughn
Ugly - Bubba Sparxxx
Wasting Time - Kid Rock

Next up: A Ghettofabulous Hollywood Christmas. Bring your own bling!

I am a worthless, bloated sack of protoplasm

2005-10-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I sat around and watched football. Today, I took things a step further and watched baseball. Maybe it's because of all the stuff going on this week:

Monday - A party in Burbank
Tuesday - A movie premiere
Wednesday - Jeff Goldblum's jazz band in Beverly Hills
Thursday - open
Friday - Gwen Stefani and Black Eyed Peas in concert
Saturday - Trailer Trash Halloween party

Then, there's Halloween Weekend, my brother's birthday, my parents visiting, etc. So, that's my excuse for couch sitting all weekend. I'm ok with it. But the delivery guy from Big Mama's and Papa's is starting to give me a disappointing look every time he comes to the door. He does not understand my dilemma. He does not know where I am coming from. So there, Pizza Man. You cannot judge me. I am man, exercising his right to do absolutely nothing, whenever and wherever I deem necessary.

Crapfuckingshitdamnmotherfucker

2005-10-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with a bottle of Jack, listening to Motley Crue, wondering where it all went wrong. Heavily favored, ranked #4 in the nation, and we blew it. Florida State is no longer undefeated, and most likely, no longer in the running for the national title. I ain't mad, yo. Look at everything that happened in the offseason. Hell, our quarterback is only a freshman. This wasn't supposed to be our year. And we still have a shot at winning our division and playing for the first ever ACC Championship Game in Crapsonville. But, damn if USC didn't friggin' win again. I'm tired of them. I rooted for Notre Dame for this? Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!! I mostly feel sorry for Duke, who will be hosting a very pissed off bunch of Seminoles next week. Sumbitch. Funny, though. I can remember how upset I used to get when we lost a game. Asshole mode, I call it. I think I grew out of that, finally. Thank you, Chris Rix, for helping me to understand the finer points of losing.

GO 'NOLES!

Beam you up, Scotty

2005-10-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

His last wishes were for his remains to be blasted into space. I would like mine to be blasted into the lockerroom for the Tampa Bay Bucs Cheerleaders. Seriously.

Whatever, Kip

2005-10-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

Napoleon's brother loves technology. I think it's just there to make me crazy. First I find out my 2 month old iPod is already obsolete. I mean, what if I want to watch Desperate Housewives when I'm hiking? Then, my cell phone craps out in the middle of a great phone call. Stupid T-Mobile. Stupid Motorola. Stupid Apple. Kip, you're a friggin' idiot!

Who's the big winner tonight?

2005-10-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

I am!!! Today I received the EMAIL OF A LIFETIME, from one kenkerry13@hotmail.com. Here is the letter in its entirety:

KEN TERRY
ACCOUNTING OFFICER
CLYDESDALE BANK PLC.
30 ST VINCENT PLACE
GLASGOW G1 2HL
SCOTLAND.

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mr Ken Terry, the Account officer with CLYDESDALE BANK
PLC.SCOTLAND UNITED KINGDOM. I have an urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you. On January 1, 2003, a United Arab Emirates Merchant, Mr
Abraham Zachary, made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty five Million Dollars only) with
my bank.

Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but
got no reply. After some months, we sent a reminder and finally we
discovered from his business partner that Mr. Abraham Zachary died from an
automobile accident while on a business trip.

On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL,
and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore made
further investigation and discovered that Mr.Abraham Zachary did not declare
any next of kin or relations in all his official documents, including his
Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

The said amount is still intact in my Bank and the interest is being rolled
over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come
forward to claim it. I am contacting you since you are a foreigner to stand
as the next of kin to Mr Abraham Zachary.

I would want you to forward me as a matter of urgency your full names and
address,phone and fax numbers so that the attorney will prepare the
necessary documents and affidavits that will put youin place as the next of
kin.

We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of
the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of
probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any
part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of
this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid
into your account for us to share in the ratio of 75% for me and 20% for you
and 5% for Expenses Incurred in the course of the transaction.

There is no risk at all as all the paperworks for this transaction will be
done by the attorney and with my position as an accountant,guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction.If you are interested, please reply
immediately to my email box
terryken2@asiamail.com

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant
documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your
confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this
transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require
your assistance to invest my share in your country.
All further correspondence should be directed to my e-mail box
terryken2@asiamail.com

Thank you in anticipation of your urgent reply.

Best regards.
Ken Terry
Account Officer

I'm going to be rich!!! I just emailed my Social Security Number, my credit card number, and the routing number for my bank. I also signed a release for the unlimited use of my likeness, and gave out my AOL password to allow for further communications. I think I might buy a pony!

Hustle and Flow

2005-10-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

This movie is a must-see for 2005. It will be a crime if Terrence Howard doesn't get at least an Oscar nomination. I attended a Q&A last night, and I could have listened to him talk for hours. He is an inspiring actor... with no formal training. Unbelieveable. See this movie. Twice. Then buy it on DVD. I ain't playin', fool.

"Every man has the right to contribute a verse."

Movie Review: "Waiting"

2005-10-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

I worked at BW3 in Tallahassee, Florida for 2 months before I graduated. I worked in the kitchen. It sucked.

If you've ever worked in the food industry, you will get some good laughs out of this one. Look for comedian Dane Cook as, get this... a cook.

Falling down on the job

2005-10-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

Blogging in America is a right. Like dressing up, getting sauced, and yelling obscenities at the local sporting event. But for me, it is a civic obligation. It is my duty to keep you informed on every detail of my life - no matter how mundane, risque, or down-right stupid. How else will you keep track of me until I have finally been discovered by the paparazzi and plastered all over the pages of the world's tabloids? Hmm?

What have I been up to lately? I'm not quite sure. Currently, I am ripping Boston's Greatest Hits into iTunes. Yes!!!

Waste of a day

2005-10-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

Living on the West Coast isn't easy - especially when your team has a game scheduled for Noon ET. Some quick math reveals a 9am start time in L.A. So, my brother and I leave the house at 8:30 and head over to Big Wangs in Hollywood, for breakfast wraps, beer, and FSU football... only to find out that Jefferson-Pilot has blocked it out for our area. All this, for a game against Wake Forest. At least we won.

Ring a bell, win a prize

2005-09-25T00:55:00.000-07:00

Since Armageddon is quickly approaching, with the onslaught of hurricanes, earthquakes, exploding buses, government failures, rising gas prices, and a Mariah Carey comeback... I thought I'd get away this weekend.

To the L.A County Fair.

It reminded me of the Indiana State Fair. Which reminded me of Indy. Damn, I miss that place. Actually, I think it's the people that I miss. It's even worse now that it seems to be cooling off here. It's starting to feel like Fall, which is probably about as cold as it's going to get. This time of year reminds me of raking leaves, and football in the afternoon. Thanksgiving and Christmas just won't be the same. But, they never are - no matter where you are.

With the Seminoles off, the only football games that matter this weekend:

Bucs-Packers

Browns-Colts

Red-eye to Beantown

2005-09-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Flew to Boston this weekend to visit some old college friends and see Boston College's first ever ACC football game against the greatest university in the world... Florida State. We won. I will probably be in detox for most of this week. At least until tomorrow, anyway. That, is an amazing city. I would move there tomorrow. The people are awesome, and they love their sports. It's hot to see beautiful women wearing jeans and baseball caps. Heaven. And the bars, or bahs, are the greatest. So much history there. I also found out my friend Christa just got a gig at ESPN in nearby Bristol. I'm going back, for sure.

#8

2005-09-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

Bucs win. Colts win. And Florida State is back in the top ten. That makes me want to run naked down Ventura Boulevard with a burning spear and an air horn. Somehow, I doubt people here would understand what it all meant. They would probably shrug it off as yet another actor who has lost all his money and marbles. We found a new place to watch the games in Hollywood. It's called Big Wangs. Love the name, and our waitress, Bama was fun, too. The place was packed with Seminole fans from all over, watching FSU crush The Citadel 62-10. The most memorable moment wasn't even on TV. This kid who decided to sit at our table, waits until the third quarter to order a beer. Bama asks for I.D.....

Kid: This could get tricky...

Bama: Whatever.

Kid: I don't have a driver's license, but here's my birth certificate, and Social Security card..

Bama: Are you kidding me?

Kid: Well, see, I don't have a car.. so I never..

Bama: I don't give a fuck. One pitcher coming up.

Never a dull moment in L.A.

Michael Brown is a moron

2005-09-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

He's the guy that's in charge of FEMA. Remember... the one who said the government didn't know about evacuees at New Orleans' convention center until Thursday? Turn on the TV, idiot. CNN was there interviewing people, filming someone's grandmother slumped over in a wheelchair.

According to internal documents at the well-run Department of Homeland Security, Brown Eye waited until Hurricane Katrine hit before doing anything.

His official title with FEMA? Under Secretary of Homeland Security for Emergency Preparedness and Response. At least he tried to do half his job. Even that was a joke. He waited FIVE HOURS after the storm made landfall to send 1000 employees to the region, to "convey a positive image of disaster operations to government officials, community organizations and the general public." What the hell does that mean? Sorry, we can't give you water or pull you out of that attic, but we hope you think we're swell.

And now we find out from the airline industry that the government's request for help evacuating storm victims didn't come until late Thursday afternoon. What do you have to do to get fired in Washington?

Sleep well tonight Dallas, Philadelphia, L.A., Indianapolis, Kalamazoo, etc... FEMA's got your back!

It feels like 9/11

2005-09-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

I think I've been depressed all week with this situation in New Orleans and the rest of the coast. I'm glued to the TV, and I'm checking cnn.com every 5 minutes. It's just so hard to believe how fast and how badly this whole thing has spiraled out of control. Why are people still trapped in New Orleans? It's already Friday there, for crying out loud. We throw our military all over the world for wars and other relief efforts, yet we can't get our own people out of the water in our own country. It makes me sick. The government should be ashamed of themselves. They're clearly not doing enough, quickly enough. I wish there was more I could do. But, as always, I'm left entering my credit card information on some web site, hoping it will go to the right place.

I feel like ass

2005-08-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

How does one get sick when it's in the 90's? That's dumb. My nose has been leaking for two days, and my throat feels like sandpaper. Who wants to come over and make out? I've been hitting the Zicam, and I just took some Dayquil with all the vitamins I forgot to take this morning. So now I'm high. I think I'll go for a drive. Maybe I'll buy a guitar. I do need a new mattress and box spring though. Geez. Is this making any sense? I don't even care. Maybe I'll just stay home tonight and watch Battlestar Galactica. I am a huge dork. And I'm okay with that.

More of a life = less of a blog

2005-08-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

Or maybe I've just been too damned lazy to type crap when I get home. If I get home. I've been a traveling road show lately:

Friday: Margaritas at Ernie's Taco House. Them, drinks at Our House. Drunks follow us home like a school of strays. I just wish they were more playful.

Saturday: Road trip. Vegas. You can book a room at the last minute on a Saturday at the Greek Isles for 80 bucks. Because no one else is there. It's actually a nice clean hotel, with a pool, restaurant, lounge, and some slots. And it's right between the Las Vegas Hilton and the Stardust. So, yes, you can easily stumble onto, and off of, the Strip. And we did. The night was filled with shots of Jack, dueling pianos, and - if I remember correctly - some bastardized form of Latin dancing. I hope I didn't step on anyone.

Sunday: A quick drive to Vegas turns into a nightmare return trip to L.A. Stop and pee at Baker. It's your last and only hope.

Monday: Orlando rolls into town, and we head to Prey for a party. The ratio is 6 to 1. Even I am getting hit on. It's called the Law of Averages. It's called open bar. The place is packed with the likes of Irv Gotti, Warren G, Wilmer Valderama, and Baby Bash. It does not suck.

Tuesday: It's time to see what all the fuss is about. March of the Penguins. Brilliant film. I never knew what the little guys went threw all in the name of love. Kinda sweet, really. It makes you feel very, very petty. And cold.

So tonight, I stay in. I'm tired, and out of clean underwear. I decided to irritate the neighbors, and run laundry past 9pm. Deal with it. I refuse to go commando at work.