insidebuzz : confessions of a future child star

Monday, October 31, 2005

Stop me if you've already heard this one...

A monk, a traffic light, and Shoeless Joe Jackson walk into a bar...

12:13 AM |

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Way to go, gators

In your ongoing quest for Ugliest Team in America, you have just scored an extra point. What's amazing, is not that you scored.. it's the way you scored. Some teams will introduce a new logo, or new colors. Maybe a new uniform altogether. But, no. You're Florida's 3rd-rate football program.

shitty team / they suck

"Hey guys.. let's add an orange sleeve!"

"Orange sleeves?"

"No, just one orange sleeve."

"Oh, yeah.. that would be swell!"

Swell it is. Unless you're just flipping through Saturday's games and, at a glance, you think every gator player on the field has a left shoulder injury, wrapped in orange gauze.

gators. You're brilliant.

5:35 PM |

Friday, October 28, 2005

Spam

Thanks to All of You...

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your
chain letters over the past 12 months.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in t he microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!!

12:23 AM |

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Christmas has come early

Here's proof that Santa is for real: September 29, 2007.

1:22 AM |

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Happy Hollyween

Somehow, I made it through the week. There was the premiere of The White Countess in Beverly Hills, complete with a full-blown reception at the Four Seasons. I recommend the salmon.

Jeff Goldblum's band was keeping it hot at 424. He's actually a pretty friendly guy when you meet him.

Gwen Stefani and the Black Eyed Peas went nuts at the Hollywood Bowl. Awesome show. Greatest line overheard from a pack of 16-yr-old girls:

Girl 1: "We're, like, in the nosebleed section!"

Girl 2: "Like, can you really get a nosebleed?"

By the way, that Fergie chick from BEP can really shake her ass. Mad skills.

Last night was our Trailer Trash Halloween party. The house looked hysterical. We had a huge rug on the wall of dogs playing poker, as well as your various racing posters and beer decor. Pork rinds, beef jerky, and candy corn were served, with cans of Budweiser and Pabst Blue Ribbon kept on ice - in the cooler, which served as a chair. Everyone dressed to unimpress. We had 6 hours of Redneck Heaven blaring through iTunes.

A Random Ten:

Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns 'N Roses
The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels
Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford
Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue
The House is Rockin' - Stevie Ray Vaughn
Ugly - Bubba Sparxxx
Wasting Time - Kid Rock

Next up: A Ghettofabulous Hollywood Christmas. Bring your own bling!

9:16 PM |

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I am a worthless, bloated sack of protoplasm

Yesterday, I sat around and watched football. Today, I took things a step further and watched baseball. Maybe it's because of all the stuff going on this week:

Monday - A party in Burbank
Tuesday - A movie premiere
Wednesday - Jeff Goldblum's jazz band in Beverly Hills
Thursday - open
Friday - Gwen Stefani and Black Eyed Peas in concert
Saturday - Trailer Trash Halloween party

Then, there's Halloween Weekend, my brother's birthday, my parents visiting, etc. So, that's my excuse for couch sitting all weekend. I'm ok with it. But the delivery guy from Big Mama's and Papa's is starting to give me a disappointing look every time he comes to the door. He does not understand my dilemma. He does not know where I am coming from. So there, Pizza Man. You cannot judge me. I am man, exercising his right to do absolutely nothing, whenever and wherever I deem necessary.

8:11 PM |

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Crapfuckingshitdamnmotherfucker

I'm sitting here with a bottle of Jack, listening to Motley Crue, wondering where it all went wrong. Heavily favored, ranked #4 in the nation, and we blew it. Florida State is no longer undefeated, and most likely, no longer in the running for the national title. I ain't mad, yo. Look at everything that happened in the offseason. Hell, our quarterback is only a freshman. This wasn't supposed to be our year. And we still have a shot at winning our division and playing for the first ever ACC Championship Game in Crapsonville. But, damn if USC didn't friggin' win again. I'm tired of them. I rooted for Notre Dame for this? Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!! I mostly feel sorry for Duke, who will be hosting a very pissed off bunch of Seminoles next week. Sumbitch. Funny, though. I can remember how upset I used to get when we lost a game. Asshole mode, I call it. I think I grew out of that, finally. Thank you, Chris Rix, for helping me to understand the finer points of losing.

GO 'NOLES!

10:56 PM |

Friday, October 14, 2005

Beam you up, Scotty

His last wishes were for his remains to be blasted into space. I would like mine to be blasted into the lockerroom for the Tampa Bay Bucs Cheerleaders. Seriously.

8:26 PM |

Whatever, Kip

Napoleon's brother loves technology. I think it's just there to make me crazy. First I find out my 2 month old iPod is already obsolete. I mean, what if I want to watch Desperate Housewives when I'm hiking? Then, my cell phone craps out in the middle of a great phone call. Stupid T-Mobile. Stupid Motorola. Stupid Apple. Kip, you're a friggin' idiot!

12:41 AM |

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Who's the big winner tonight?

I am!!! Today I received the EMAIL OF A LIFETIME, from one kenkerry13@hotmail.com. Here is the letter in its entirety:

KEN TERRY
ACCOUNTING OFFICER
CLYDESDALE BANK PLC.
30 ST VINCENT PLACE
GLASGOW G1 2HL
SCOTLAND.

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mr Ken Terry, the Account officer with CLYDESDALE BANK
PLC.SCOTLAND UNITED KINGDOM. I have an urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you. On January 1, 2003, a United Arab Emirates Merchant, Mr
Abraham Zachary, made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty five Million Dollars only) with
my bank.

Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but
got no reply. After some months, we sent a reminder and finally we
discovered from his business partner that Mr. Abraham Zachary died from an
automobile accident while on a business trip.

On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL,
and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore made
further investigation and discovered that Mr.Abraham Zachary did not declare
any next of kin or relations in all his official documents, including his
Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

The said amount is still intact in my Bank and the interest is being rolled
over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come
forward to claim it. I am contacting you since you are a foreigner to stand
as the next of kin to Mr Abraham Zachary.

I would want you to forward me as a matter of urgency your full names and
address,phone and fax numbers so that the attorney will prepare the
necessary documents and affidavits that will put youin place as the next of
kin.

We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of
the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of
probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any
part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of
this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid
into your account for us to share in the ratio of 75% for me and 20% for you
and 5% for Expenses Incurred in the course of the transaction.

There is no risk at all as all the paperworks for this transaction will be
done by the attorney and with my position as an accountant,guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction.If you are interested, please reply
immediately to my email box
terryken2@asiamail.com

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant
documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your
confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this
transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require
your assistance to invest my share in your country.
All further correspondence should be directed to my e-mail box
terryken2@asiamail.com

Thank you in anticipation of your urgent reply.

Best regards.
Ken Terry
Account Officer

I'm going to be rich!!! I just emailed my Social Security Number, my credit card number, and the routing number for my bank. I also signed a release for the unlimited use of my likeness, and gave out my AOL password to allow for further communications. I think I might buy a pony!

8:44 PM |

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hustle and Flow

This movie is a must-see for 2005. It will be a crime if Terrence Howard doesn't get at least an Oscar nomination. I attended a Q&A last night, and I could have listened to him talk for hours. He is an inspiring actor... with no formal training. Unbelieveable. See this movie. Twice. Then buy it on DVD. I ain't playin', fool.

"Every man has the right to contribute a verse."

9:21 PM |

Movie Review: "Waiting"

I worked at BW3 in Tallahassee, Florida for 2 months before I graduated. I worked in the kitchen. It sucked.

If you've ever worked in the food industry, you will get some good laughs out of this one. Look for comedian Dane Cook as, get this... a cook.

9:00 PM |

Falling down on the job

Blogging in America is a right. Like dressing up, getting sauced, and yelling obscenities at the local sporting event. But for me, it is a civic obligation. It is my duty to keep you informed on every detail of my life - no matter how mundane, risque, or down-right stupid. How else will you keep track of me until I have finally been discovered by the paparazzi and plastered all over the pages of the world's tabloids? Hmm?

What have I been up to lately? I'm not quite sure. Currently, I am ripping Boston's Greatest Hits into iTunes. Yes!!!

8:39 PM |

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Waste of a day

Living on the West Coast isn't easy - especially when your team has a game scheduled for Noon ET. Some quick math reveals a 9am start time in L.A. So, my brother and I leave the house at 8:30 and head over to Big Wangs in Hollywood, for breakfast wraps, beer, and FSU football... only to find out that Jefferson-Pilot has blocked it out for our area. All this, for a game against Wake Forest. At least we won.

5:59 PM |

...:::about

This is the true story of a radio personality who quit his job, packed up his things, and moved to L.A. to live his dream. Welcome to the official account of life on Earth, as seen through the eyes of Jason Burns... Actor, Writer, and Jackass.

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