insidebuzz : confessions of a future child star

Monday, October 25, 2004

And I thought the Bengals would be embarrassing...

As Cincinnati did their best to make Denver look silly on Monday Night Football, I started to flip back and forth to the Radio Music Awards. (Hey, why are most of the DJs on the show from the same station?) I had to watch, as Ashlee Simpson was to perform on live TV for the second time in 3 days - the first, being her stirring Milli Vanilli impression on Saturday Night Live (see the video here). Is it just me, or is Ashlee Simpson some irrelevant plain Jane from your middle school math class that wins the 'So You Wanna Be a Rock Star' contest in the movie and gets to perform for the whole school despite the fact that she really can't sing? She reminds me of a sweeter, thinner, more insecure Kelly Osbourne.. who, by the way, must go away now. I did learn something though. When you are suffering from acid reflux and are having trouble staying on pitch, jump around the stage like an idiot. The crowd will cheer anyway.

I also found it amusing to watch the increasingly uncomfortable Carson Daly. Getting chunky, ain't he? Anyone else notice he appeared with Molly Sims every time EXCEPT when she introduced Ryan Seacrest? That's all I want for Christmas this year: Celebrity Death Match - Carson and Ryan - no ring, no rules, no hair gel.

11:16 PM |

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Your DVD collection is now obselete

It's coming. Go ahead. Whine about it. Stomp your feet and damn the man. Refuse progress. Sleep tight with your 8-tracks and videotapes, Lazlo. This ain't your daddy's Commodore 64.

8:54 PM |

The last 24 hours...

It's been interesting, to say the least. The plan was to meet up at The Vogue for Wednesday Rewind. God knows, I haven't heard much 80's music the past couple of years. (Wink) I heard a strange sound as I got on the highway. As I pulled up to the light on the exit ramp - smoke. Everywhere. It looked like the car was on fire. I managed to get it to the dealership and drop the key in the overnight box. You know I had to get my drink on anyway. Today I'm given a laundry list of things wrong with it. Things that "must have been missed" when I had it serviced there a few months back. $1200. Gone. Nothing to show for it but fingerprints on the hood. Somehow, I would have felt better if the 1200 was blown in Vegas next week. But, no. 12 on a car I already own, that drives no better today. I even got shortchanged at Taco Bell by a penny. Think I'll open that bottle of Jack this weekend.

8:25 PM |

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Top 10 Halloween costumes

Women keep asking me what costume they should wear for Halloween. Probably because they know I'll be out of town anyway, so why should they care?

Top 10, in no particular order:

1. Cop
2. Nurse
3. Librarian
4. Dominatrix
5. Goth chick
6. Executive
7. Inmate
8. Cowgirl
9. Vampire
10. School girl

Wait.... what was the question?

11:38 PM |

Mary Poppins is registered...

So are Dick Tracy, Michael Jordan and George Foreman. You would think by now we'd have this election thing sorted out.

Hanging Chad Day is November 2nd. Celebrate by calling Chad - any Chad - and wishing him luck.

11:33 PM |

Gimme five, yo.

Yankees cheat... still lose... still suck. Have a nice day.

11:30 PM |

Monday, October 18, 2004

John Stewart for President

Have you ever seen a penis with a bowtie? His name is Tucker Carlson, and he's on CNN's Crossfire. Watch John Stewart rip him a new one on live TV.

Intelligent, funny, and tells it like it is. Why can't we vote for him?

11:06 PM |

Sunday, October 17, 2004

This one time... at band camp..

The boys of Motley Crue have got to get a kick out of this.. Tommy Lee has a new band: The University of Nebraska Marching Band. Think the other guys in the drumline call him 'Pop?'

11:23 PM |

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Hello Weekend

I was going to go to the gym tonight. I had every intention. Really. I'm still pretty wrecked from going Wednesday. I know, it's pathetic. That's the first time I've been to the gym in months. Ever since I bought my bike, the gym has been on the back burner. Now that it's getting colder, I have to get reacquainted. It's like starting to date an old girlfriend all over again. You know what a bitch she was the first time around. You're just hoping that this time, she's different. Right. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Going on a Friday night is pretty lame, but it's not like I have plans as of right now anyway. I do have a live remote for the station on Saturday at the 8 Seconds Saloon. I'll be there from 6-whenever. Feel free to stop by and harass our interns. I know I will.

What a weird weekend. No big camping trip to go on. No Colts game. Even the Bucs don't play until Monday night (keep your fingers crossed they win another on their way to a spectacular 2-4 record). Maybe I'll catch up on some reading. Or sleep.

9:30 PM |

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Britney Spears to change her name

She'd like to be known as Britney Federline. Why stop there? Why not something fun, like Trailer Tramp? Or White Trash Washout?

6:59 AM |

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I got the call

Lori from the Helen Wells Agency called today... I got a job! I went on an audition last week for a TV commercial for the United Christmas Service with Channel 13, WTHR. I will play the role of the husband - isn't that amusing? I can't even keep a house plant alive. I'm pumped. We shoot on Tuesday. Hope my wife is hot.

8:39 PM |

Monday, October 11, 2004

Sleeping bag: $30
Tent: $50
Passing out in your car: priceless

9:21 PM |

Sunday, October 10, 2004

AA Camp

Got back from last night's camping excursion around 9 this morning. Things I learned along the way:

1. Half a case beer, one hot dog, and too many swigs of someone's Hot Dam does not a dinner make.

2. Farmers do not appreciate a cornfield that's been redecorated with horribly disfigured crop circles.

3. If you make enough noise walking the girls to the restroom, the managers will escort you back to your campsite on golf carts.

4. Passing out in your car in with wind chills below freezing hurts your neck, back, head, feet, knees, etc.

5. Your can burn just about anything to keep a good fire going.

9:37 PM |

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Slang definitions

Urban Dictionary

It may come in handy in the event this blog goes off on another juvenile tangent, or I'm hammered. Where else can you find 94 definitions of the word "crunk?"

12:23 AM |

Friday, October 08, 2004

All your Internets are belong to us

Reading the transcript of tonight's debate after going out for a few drinks is probably not the wisest thing to do, but it does make it more entertaining:

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." - George W. Bush.

Painful at times, isn't he?

11:19 PM |

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Camp Shadeland

It's finally upon us. None of us are sure exactly how the idea got started, but it's going down this weekend. Camping. A ton of us from work, some with their significant other. The rest of us, merely armed with our weapons of mass consumption. It's a recipe for complete disaster, and I couldn't be looking forward to it more. A couple of us are bringing digital cameras for evidence - completely braking the First Rule of Camp Shadeland: You do not talk about Camp Shadeland. What happens in the campground, stays in the campground. Sure. What's funny is, this trip is already legendary. People who aren't going have been talking about it at the station all week. I think it's even been decided that this is only the first annual trip. What? We haven't even opened the coolers yet. The fire has yet to be started. Vomit has yet to be spewn. But fine. Pencil it in. Two of the girls today were trying to decide who was bringing the "oil." Go ahead, sign me up for an annual.

10:19 PM |

No WMD

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today, when President Bush and Vice President Cheney announced that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction at the time of the invasion. The White House has also announced that the decision to go to war is now based on abuses of the U.N. oil-for-food program. Or is it the intent to buy Uranium from Niger? No.. wait.. it's because of the treatment of Iraqi women.. and the soccer team... pollution of the Tigris River..... or, um... no.. it's because Saddam is just a really bad guy who we don't like.

Sleep well tonight, citizen.

9:34 PM |

Fair elections

Democrats want foreign observers present to make sure U.S. elections are fair; Republicans don't. Wonder why?

Let's not forget what happened the last time a country denied access to inspectors.

7:48 AM |

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Random, somewhat amusing crap

George W. Bush, Presidential Debate #1:You forgot Poland!

Dick Cheney, Vice Presidential Debate: factcheck.com

Oklahoma: more than corn

9:14 PM |

Howard Stern

Interesting day for the radio industry. Howard Stern announced that he singed a deal with Sirius satellite radio to begin in 2006. The total deal is reportedly worth $500 million over 5 years. Wow. I have to say, I always wondered if Stern was ever that serious about making the move. My question has been answered. But now I have a new one: Is this the beginning of the end of traditional radio, or the end of the beginning for satellite?

9:00 PM |

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I suck

We had our first training meeting at the radio station today for the Riley Hospital for Children Radiothon. What a great cause. 100% of the money raised goes right to a hospital for kids. We got to meet one of the Riley moms who lost her 10-month old just this past year. After hearing her story, and countless others, I have decided that I suck. How silly is it to complain about the price of gas when families go through stuff like this every day? I'm pumped that WFMS is part of this. I'm just glad I could keep my man cool by not being a crybaby today. But when the Radiothon goes down, all bets are off.

8:06 PM |

Monday, October 04, 2004

The Window

[Midnight-5AM]

If the phone rings, it better involve booty.

9:29 PM |

Sunday, October 03, 2004

WTF?

Today's date: October 3rd.
Number of apartments where I live with Christmas light up already: 2

Don't tell me that just because they're orange it's for Halloween. You're trying to get the jump on us, aren't you? Fess up, girlfriend. I'll bet you're out shopping for presents right now while your roommate is baking sugar cookies. Don't think we don't know. Don't think you've got 2004 in the bag. The cooler Indiana air and falling leaves is just giving you the ol' yuletide tingle, isn't it? Well, you may think you have the edge, but I'm stringing popcorn as I write this. This is holiday war. I'm not gonna cut and run. It's hard work, but it's important work, and I plan to stay the course. I'm gonna make this Christmas the biggest catastrophic success ever! You'll see.

6:32 PM |

Saturday, October 02, 2004

It's a no-go

Sometimes we make plans, and sometimes they actually happen. Not tonight. Some friends had asked me to go with them to Talbott Street. But, plans fell through. So, here I am. Unshowered, unshaven, T-shirt and track pants, martini, dirty, two olives, listening to Michael Buble, writing to you. Or to myself.

I just stopped for a moment for a good laugh at myself. OK.. I'm better now.

Anyway, the apartment is clean, the laundry is done, and no cash has been spent this evening. Not a total loss, I guess. Plus, Florida State won, so I'm in a good mood. Now, if only a pair of hot, friendly blondes/brunettes/redheads would show up at my door. It'd be on like Donkey Kong. Of course, they would have to leave after breakfast. It'll be Sunday, and that means football, dammit. Unless, of course, they want to stick around and play the halftime wrestling game. I love the Fall in Hoosierwood.

9:05 PM |

Yet another reason to vote

Votergasm.org

If you're a Citizen, you pledge to withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.

If you're a Patriot you pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.

If you're an American Hero you pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years.

What a great cause.

11:53 AM |

Britney Spears = Idiot

Britney Spears has written "a life-changing letter" about her marriage, and says it's "the most amazing letter [she] has ever written." Her white-trash-unemployed-dancer boyfriend/husband Kevin says she worked on it "every day for the last week and a half." Britney says "I feel like I am at Harvard."

I'm sure Harvard is happy to hear that. Look for a spike in admissions in 2005.

Read more about Britney's Letter of Truth here, then begin drinking heavily.

11:33 AM |

...:::about

This is the true story of a radio personality who quit his job, packed up his things, and moved to L.A. to live his dream. Welcome to the official account of life on Earth, as seen through the eyes of Jason Burns... Actor, Writer, and Jackass.

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